Today was an appointment with my counselor, a good man who has helped me a lot through the past few months. He is not harsh, but also not afraid to say truths that need to be heard, and asks me to question myself and my wandering thoughts.
My big question of the day was how can a God of love, allow this to happen to one of his children...this much pain, and yes - even suffering. I know so many people have it much worse than I do, but they live with their pain, and I live with mine.
There was no good answer, and I'm not even sure I want one. More than anything, it was a safe place to have vocalize some really scary thoughts about who I think I am, and what my life has meant up to this point. When everything I "knew" about Toad was suddenly a farce, and everything about our marriage a lie, I naturally have questions about my spirituality to this point, and if there has been anything real there, or was it merely another layer I wore.
I want to strip off the layers of being who I thought I needed to be as a wife, partner, lover, support system, chef, maid, christian, daughter, co-worker, volunteer, sister --- strip it all away. Who am I? Where am I headed? How far is it to my core...and how much will it hurt to find it?
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