I asked Toad to clarify something that would have exposed one of the many lies. It's been 36 hrs, and he still hasn't replied. Really. Go figure. Loser.
Tonight was spent vacuuming, mopping, and cleaning in preparation for not being here for over 10 days during recovery. I couldn't do everything I wanted, since Sushi is here "keeping me company" - sigh. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate ev-er-y thing that she's done to help but trying to deal with the finality of the divorce, my brain is sooooo full.
So, one more day of work and then surgery. I'm still excited....so excited. This decision is all for me. Still not ready to share, but totally excited.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Rough Day with Counselor
Today was an appointment with my counselor, a good man who has helped me a lot through the past few months. He is not harsh, but also not afraid to say truths that need to be heard, and asks me to question myself and my wandering thoughts.
My big question of the day was how can a God of love, allow this to happen to one of his children...this much pain, and yes - even suffering. I know so many people have it much worse than I do, but they live with their pain, and I live with mine.
There was no good answer, and I'm not even sure I want one. More than anything, it was a safe place to have vocalize some really scary thoughts about who I think I am, and what my life has meant up to this point. When everything I "knew" about Toad was suddenly a farce, and everything about our marriage a lie, I naturally have questions about my spirituality to this point, and if there has been anything real there, or was it merely another layer I wore.
I want to strip off the layers of being who I thought I needed to be as a wife, partner, lover, support system, chef, maid, christian, daughter, co-worker, volunteer, sister --- strip it all away. Who am I? Where am I headed? How far is it to my core...and how much will it hurt to find it?
My big question of the day was how can a God of love, allow this to happen to one of his children...this much pain, and yes - even suffering. I know so many people have it much worse than I do, but they live with their pain, and I live with mine.
There was no good answer, and I'm not even sure I want one. More than anything, it was a safe place to have vocalize some really scary thoughts about who I think I am, and what my life has meant up to this point. When everything I "knew" about Toad was suddenly a farce, and everything about our marriage a lie, I naturally have questions about my spirituality to this point, and if there has been anything real there, or was it merely another layer I wore.
I want to strip off the layers of being who I thought I needed to be as a wife, partner, lover, support system, chef, maid, christian, daughter, co-worker, volunteer, sister --- strip it all away. Who am I? Where am I headed? How far is it to my core...and how much will it hurt to find it?
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Back to Work
The end of my long weekend is coming to a close. I took off Friday and spent the morning doing pre-op appointments for surgery on Thursday (more on that later), and then went to T-rg-t with the intent to get lots of crap that I didn't need to help me hole up for the weekend.
Well, the customer service was so bad I actually went and got a refund for everything I'd just purchased. Take that! But, that meant I now had to hole up with what I already had on hand. So now, my cupboard is practically empty, which is probably a good thing.
Saturday was spent sleeping most of the day, and when I was awake, memories of us, the marriage, the good times, and some of the bad would flood me, and I'd be in tears again. So many whys - most of which I'll never have answers to.
It's amazing how much of a physical toll emotions take on me. It's exhausting to be this sad and/or depressed. My body aches, my head pounds, my legs feel like lead weights. Sleeping without a prescription aid only rests the body - the mind continues it's relentless scoping of what could, should and would have been.
Well, the customer service was so bad I actually went and got a refund for everything I'd just purchased. Take that! But, that meant I now had to hole up with what I already had on hand. So now, my cupboard is practically empty, which is probably a good thing.
Saturday was spent sleeping most of the day, and when I was awake, memories of us, the marriage, the good times, and some of the bad would flood me, and I'd be in tears again. So many whys - most of which I'll never have answers to.
It's amazing how much of a physical toll emotions take on me. It's exhausting to be this sad and/or depressed. My body aches, my head pounds, my legs feel like lead weights. Sleeping without a prescription aid only rests the body - the mind continues it's relentless scoping of what could, should and would have been.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Why a Blog?
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
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